


if you're lost, you can look, and you will find me

by slytherbyun



Series: time after time [3]
Category: EXO (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Graduate Jeonghan, Introspection, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Professor Sehun, academic freeze now
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28240599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherbyun/pseuds/slytherbyun
Summary: Life after graduation, Jeonghan wasn't still sure about what to do. But hey, aren't we all?
Relationships: Oh Sehun/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: time after time [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065542
Kudos: 22





	if you're lost, you can look, and you will find me

**Author's Note:**

> the third part of the "time after time" series.
> 
> there's a lot of cursing in this fic, so if you're not comfortable, please don't read. :)

When Sehun invited Jeonghan to stay over for a couple of days, he immediately said yes.

Sehun was now living in Quezon City, nearer to his grad school campus (and conveniently, nearer to Jeonghan). His condo is one of Jeonghan's favorite places in the world, kaya kapag may pagkakataon silang magsama kahit for the weekend man lang, sinusulit niya talaga.

“Jowa, ba't bigla kang nagyaya?” tanong ni Jeonghan pagpasok ng sasakyan.

“Miss kita jowa, bawal ba?” asar ng kanyang kasintahan, kung saan kinilig si Jeonghan.

_ Tangina mo talaga, Sir, kahit kailan. _

“Alam mo, sana mahina WiFi mo mamaya sa online class mo,” Jeonghan said, buckling his seatbelt.

“Hay,” sagot ni Sehun. “Kung pwede lang, nagcancel na ako ng klase. Binigay ko na nga lahat ng reviewers ko sa mga estudyante para hindi na sila mahirapan magbasa ng libro.”

Jeonghan was impressed; if this were the old days, bahala ka magbasa ng libro sa klase ni Prof. Oh. Hindi rin namimigay ng PDF ng slides niya. Ang maganda kasi kay Sehun, kapag nagdidiscuss siya, nakaka-enganyo magnotes sa klase niya. Magaan lang, pero hindi siya nagsspoonfeed ng klase.

“Hassle ng online class, 'no?” sabi ni Jeonghan sa kanyang kasintahan.

“Sobra, Han,” tugon ni Sehun. “Ang hirap hanapin ng gitna para maayos para sa lahat. Kaso hindi naman lahat pantay ang katayuan sa buhay. Tangina talaga. Kaso mahihirapan naman sila if hindi ako magturo, kasi mahirap intindihin mag-isa ang mga topic.”

Jeonghan rarely saw his boyfriend mad, but when he is, he knows it's for a darn good reason. Ang lala ng struggle ni Sehun sa pagtuturo, kahit sabihin nating tech savvy siya. Minsan tatawag si Sehun para magrant na yung estudyante niya, nagsosorry paulit-ulit kasi wala siyang stable internet para makasama sa klase. May estudyante rin siyang nagtatrabaho kasabay ng pag-aaral, kaya halos wala siyang tulog para mabalanse ang trabaho at pag-aaral. This broke Jeonghan's heart too; naaalala niya lang na hindi lahat ng tao ay pinanganak na may pribilehiyong natatamasa ng iba.

“You’re going above and beyond, Sungit,” a nickname Jeonghan is still fond of calling Sehun. “Kung ano kaya itulong, ginagawa mo na. Sana naaappreciate din ng mga estudyante mo.”

“Cheesy mo, jowa,” asar ni Sehun. “Pero thank you. I needed that.”

“Glad I could help,” Jeonghan just gave his boyfriend this warm smile that he hoped would alleviate the anxiety that he felt.

~•~•~•~•~

Tapos na lahat ng klase ni Sehun for the day, at saktong tapos na magluto (read: magprito ng hotdog) si Jeonghan. Magpapadeliver naman sila ng dinner mamaya, kaya medyo magaan muna hinanda ni Jeonghan; Sehun tends to get cranky when he’s hungry, which is definitely the case after three consecutive one-and-a-half hour classes. Drained na talaga yung tao by then.

“Hala, nagsaing ka pa,” sabi ni Sehun pagkapatay ng laptop. Tumungo siya sa dining area, kita ang mga pinaglululuto ni Jeonghan.

“Jowa, panis na kasi kanin mo,” Jeonghan shook his head in disapproval. “Hindi ka ata marunong magsaing, nakakaloka.”

“Sira,” sabi ni Sehun, sabay halik sa pisngi ni Jeonghan. Syempre, pulang-pula si Jeonghan.

_ Pasimple si gago. _

“Nasobrahan lang ng tubig yung kagabi, kaso hindi ko narealize until maluto,” ang tanging paliwanag ni Sehun.

Hindi alam ni Jeonghan kung paano siya naging ganito kaswerte. It’s been a year and a half since Sehun asked permission from Jeonghan’s mother para ligawan siya. Sinagot ni Jeonghan si Sehun two months after, and they've been together ever since. Everything’s been great kahit may mga panahon na nag-aaway sila (which is normal naman).

“Jowa, okay ka lang ba?” tanong ni Sehun, na nagpabalik sa kanya sa realidad.

Tumungo lamang si Jeonghan, at sumubo ng isa pang jumbo hotdog, mas nag-eeffort na hindi mag-alala si Sehun sa mga iniisip niyang mga kabalbalan.

  
  


~•~•~•~•~

Jeonghan hated the nighttime. Ever since he was plagued by his insecurities more since having his existential crisis, ayaw na niyang matulog. Paalala kasi ito na isang araw nanaman ang lumipas, at wala siyang nagawa para umusad ang buhay niya.

Mahigit isang taon na mula noong grumaduate si Jeonghan, at sobrang lost pa rin siya.

Inggit na inggit siya sa mga kaibigan niya; si Seungcheol nagtatrabaho na bilang HR assistant for one of the biggest advertising companies in the country, sina Wonwoo at Joshua tumuloy na ng law school, si Jihoon naman, malaya na para ipursue ang karera sa musika. Kumbaga, lahat na ng mga kaibigan ni Jeonghan, nakausad na. Siya na lang hindi.

To be fair, when 2020 came in, he did apply to some companies. He started working as an HR officer for a small business, but when they filed for bankruptcy, isa siya sa mga unang naretrench, since ang basis ay last in, first out. Since June, puro raket lang siya bilang project assistant, o kaya'y transcriber. Inisip niyang mag food business din, kaso naalala niyang muntikan sumabog ang oven sa condo nila noon, kaya hindi niya na sinubukan.

He didn't know what to do, and where to go from here. Jeonghan was a lost soul, and he didn't know if he'll be able to get back up.

“Anong gusto mo panoorin tonight, jowa?” tanong ni Sehun, habang sineset-up ang Chromecast sa TV sa loob ng kwarto niya.

The two were already ready for bed, pero habit nila manood ng movie or isang episode ng series bago matulog. It’s been part of their routine since Jeonghan started sleeping over at his place, kasi he loved watching movies. Excuse din ito ni Jeonghan para magcuddle sila ni Sehun bago matulog.

“Han?”

Jeonghan was snapped out of his trance, and saw a confused and worried Sehun, making his way to the bed.

“Langit, is something wrong?”

Sehun never uses the “langit” nickname (ito ang tawag ni Sehun kay Jeonghan in his head, the same way na tawag ni Jeonghan kay Sehun ay Sungit) unless sobrang intimate or serious ng nangyayari.

“Sungit…” ayaw na magsalita ni Jeonghan; baka magkasiraan pa ng gabi, which is something he doesn’t want.

“You can tell me anything, Jeonghan. You know that,” Sehun insisted, pulling Jeonghan into an embrace, because the younger looked like he needed it.

After months of pent up feelings, Jeonghan let the sadness and frustration wash over him. He grabbed Sehun’s shirt and started bawling like a baby. Naramdaman niya na hinila siya ni Sehun papalapit sa kanya, hinayaang kumalong sa kanyang lap. Sehun kept consoling him, hugging him tightly to make Jeonghan feel that he was there; that he will always be there. Jeonghan held onto him for dear life, as he couldn’t stop the surge of emotions he felt.

Sehun has never felt helpless; he knew of Jeonghan’s internal struggles, but they never talked about it. Jeonghan refused to say anything about it, but he thought he was doing the right thing by letting him figure this out on his own. Turns out that he could’ve done something more to help his beloved.

Jeonghan pulled away, wiping the leftover tears from his eyes. Naramdaman niya na tumayo si Sehun mula sa kama. Dama na niya ang lamig ng hangin galing sa aircon, dama ang puwang na dala ng pagtayo ni Sehun. Lalo siyang natakot nang harapin niya ang pinakamalaking balakid ng buhay so far, na pinipigilan niya lang tumakbo palayo sa nararamdaman niyang panganib.

Jeonghan suddenly felt a warm and fuzzy blanket draped over him; it was the plain, sky blue blanket they bought together as their first conjugal property (Sehun’s words, not his). He then felt a pair of arms enveloping his torso, pulling him nearer to the warm body. Jeonghan couldn’t help but hold the hands of the man whose head is nestled on his neck.

“Langit, something’s been wrong for a long time na, ‘no?”

Jeonghan merely nodded in reply, not yet ready to divulge his demons. Mahirap na, lisensyadong psychologist ang boyfriend niya; nakakatakot kung biglang magconduct ng cognitive behavioral therapy (which was highly likely).

“Pag-usapan natin?” ramdam ni Jeonghan na hinigpitan ni Sehun ang yakap, at mas lalong siniksik ang mukha sa kanyang leeg.

“Baka pwede wag mo ako kilitiin,” Jeonghan said, trying to make the mood lighter.

Sa sobrang lakas ni Sehun, inikot niya si Jeonghan para magkaharap na sila. Ginagawa na ni Jeonghan lahat ng pwedeng gawin para pigilan umakyat ang dugo sa kanyang mga pisngi.

_ Leche ‘to. Pakipigilan nga, sobrang gwapo. Parang hindi tumatanda eh. _

“Nadidistract ka sa kagwapuhan ko, oo, pero seryoso na kasi, jowa,” asar ni Sehun.

“Tangina ang lapit kaya ng mukha mo sakin!” sigaw ni Jeonghan, na hindi na matago ang kilig.

_ Rupok mo, bakla. _

“Ops, balik tayo sa topic.”

“Ano ba meron?” Jeonghan’s trying to feign innocence, but he knows he’s not gonna get away from Sehun that easily.

“Sira, ano ba nangyayari sa’yo?” sabi ni Sehun.

“Sehun, I’m lost,” mahinang bulong ni Jeonghan.

“Ha?”

“Hindi ko alam gagawin ko sa buhay ko.”

Sehun simply nodded his head, much to Jeonghan’s surprise. “Go on,” he urged Jeonghan to continue his explanation.

“Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin. Isang taon na magmula nang grumaduate ako, may honor naman, pero ako na lang walang usad sa batch namin.”

Hirap na si Jeonghan pigilan ang mga nagbabadyang luha sa kanyang mga mata, kaya hinayaan na lang niya tumulo. Pagod na siyang iyakan ito gabi-gabi, pero somehow saying it out loud, mas masakit kasi nagiging totoo ang sitwasyon--na naiiwan na siya, na wala na ata siyang patutunguhan. Nagpeak na noong college, tapos wala nang development.

“Wala ata talaga akong kwenta,” bulong muli ni Jeonghan, at inilagay na ang mukha sa mga palad.

“HIndi totoo ‘yan,” nagsalita na si Sehun.

Ayaw tignan ni Jeonghan si Sehun kasi hiyang-hiya na siya dito. Here’s this hotshot young professor, who’s almost finished with his dissertation for his doctorate, being recognized for his research. Nakakatawa minsan isipin na ang nagustuhan talaga siya ni Sehun. Walang-wala siya kung ipagtatabi sila, taob na taob si Jeonghan na wala pang napapatunayan.

“Han, tingin ka sakin. Please.”

Dahan-dahang inangat ni Sehun ang mukha ni Jeonghan, at nagpamalas ng nakakapanlambot na ngiti. Hindi na idedeny ni Jeonghan; kinikilig talaga siya.

“Gago bakit ba nakakakilig ka?” tanong ni Jeonghan sa kasintahan.

“Basta ikaw ang kinikilig, okay na ako,” pinisil ni Sehun ang pisngi ni Jeonghan, halik dito.

“Pero jowa,” panimula ni Sehun, “May kwenta ka. Academically, may kwenta ka. I was your professor kaya alam ko ang kakayahan mo. Sa totoo lang, ikaw kaya isa sa may mga pinakakritikal na mga analysis sa papers ko.”

Sehun took hold of Jeonghan’s hands, intertwining them. “Hindi ka bobo o tanga, Langit. Mas lalong hindi totoo na wala kang kwenta. You’re just lost, and that’s normal.”

Hinila siya papalapit ni Sehun, at binigyan ng mahigpit na yakap. “Kung naliligaw ka, andito ako, sasamahan kita para hindi ka nag-iisa. Hindi ko kaya magdecide for you kasi ikaw lang ang may kaya niyan, pero hahawakan ko ang mga kamay mo, hihilain ka pag lumulubog ka na, aakayin ka kapag pagod ka na, at gagabayan kita kapag litong-lito ka na.”

Naramdaman ni Jeonghan ang daplis ng mga labi ni Sehun sa kanyang noo, at ang mga maiinit na kamay sa kanyang mga pisngi.

“Pero jowa, ano ba mas napupusuan mong gawin?” seryosong tanong ni Sehun, habang pinupunas ang mga luha ni Jeonghan.

“Hindi talaga obvious,” sabi ni Jeonghan, “pero gusto ko na magmed.”

Alam ni Jeonghan na alam ni Sehun kung gaano siya ka-passionate sa medicine. Science was something Jeonghan found fascinating, and it was something he excelled in. Nang mag-aral siya ng Behavioral Sciences, mas nanaig ang tawag na magmedisina para maging psychiatrist at makatulong sa mga taong walang access sa mental health services. Kaso, ang ama ni Jeonghan, gusto siya mag-abogado. Ang ina naman niya, gusto siyang tumuloy mag MA sa Psychology para maging lisensyadong psychologist, gaya ni Sehun.

Syempre, dala rin ng kalituhang dala ng silaw ng pera, mas lalo siyang naguluhan sa kung ano ba talaga ang dapat niyang gawin.

“Then why not go to med school?” tanong ni Sehun.

“Ewan ko, natatakot ako?” Jeonghan confessed. “I don’t know.”

“You have time pa naman to decide, Han,” sabi ni Sehun. “Hindi naman entirely fruitless yung nakaraang taon. Licensed psychometrician ka na, nakapagtrabaho ka, and now, you’re just trying to see where you can go. You can take the time to decide, okay?”

A nod came from Jeonghan. “Hindi naman talaga ako walang kwenta pala, ‘no?”

“Hindi talaga,” Sehun pulled Jeonghan down to the bed, cuddling with him. “You’re one amazing human, Jeonghan, and the time will come when you will show the world your brilliance.”

“Cheesy mo,” said Jeonghan. The two shared a kiss under the covers, giggling like lovestruck teenagers.

“Jeonghan Yoon, no matter what, I will always love you.”

“Pakyu,” Jeonghan slapped Sehun’s arm, but then ended up kissing him once more. “Love you too, Sungit.”

~•~•~•~•~

“Jowa!”

Jeonghan came out of the bedroom they shared, overly excited. Katatapos lang ng klase ni Sehun, gustong-gusto na magpahinga.

“Saya natin?” asar ni Sehun, habang si Jeonghan naman ay umupo sa kandungan niya.

“Oo, masaya talaga,” mukhang abot langit ang ngiti ni Jeonghan, to which Sehun was both happy for and worried, kasi baka ang intense ng mood shift.

“Ano meron, jowa?” tanong ni Sehun.

“Jowa,” panimula ni Jeonghan. “Nag-apply na ako for NMAT.”

Napanganga si Sehun--it’s been only two weeks since they discussed Jeonghan’s fear of being left behind, at hindi na nila napag-usapan ito. Wala silang naabot na resolution kasi hindi pa talaga sigurado si Jeonghan. He didn’t want to pressure the younger one into talking about it also, kasi baka tumakbo ito papalayo at magreteat.

“Seryoso?” Sehun said with a smile.

“Yup,” sabi ng kasintahan niya. “Sure na ako, gusto ko talaga mag med school.”

“Sure na talaga?” Sehun wanted to double check, kasi baka mamaya spur of the moment lang ito. He may be a psychologist, pero Jeonghan was a Libra--the most indecisive among the signs.

“Oo nga!” Jeonghan giggled. “Nakausap ko na sina Mama. Susuportahan nila pangarap ko magdoktor. Jowa, magiging doktor ako.”

“I know,” he said, pulling Jeonghan closer to him. “I couldn’t be prouder.”

“Hala, paano kapag kinasal na tayo? Parehas tayong doctor?” Jeonghan’s eyes were wide and filled with excitement. The excitement was honestly contagious; Sehun couldn’t stop smiling at the fact that Jeonghan was already looking forward to spending the rest of his life with him.

“So you do see us getting married pala,” asar ni Sehun.

Gulat na lang si Sehun nang masapok ang ulo niya ni Jeonghan. “Gago ka, of course I do!”

“Hoy, ang sakit non!” Sehun was rubbing the sore spot on his head.

“Hoy Sehun Oh, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, ito ay kahit minsan feel ko hindi kita mapapantayan, ikaw lang gusto kong kasama tumanda.”

_ Lord, help me. _

“Eh ‘di magpakasal na tayo,” banat ni Sehun, na ikinagulat ng mas bata.

“Jowa, baka pwede namang hintayin mo muna ako maging doktor,” sagot ni Jeonghan. “Let’s revisit that god-awful proposal when I’ve earned my license.”

“Sira, malamang magpapakasal tayo kapag doktor ka na,” Sehun agreed. He wanted Jeonghan to chase his dreams first before settling down with him. He wanted Jeonghan to grow and flourish; the world has yet to see who Jeonghan Yoon truly is, and Sehun knew he was meant for great things.

“You’ll be with me pa rin throughout? Kahit sobrang busy?” Jeonghan asked.

“Kahit once a year na lang tayo magkita.”

“OA ng once a year mo? Mga ano naman, once a month.”

“Hay nako,” Sehun just hugged Jeonghan tighter. “Basta andito ako palagi. Hintayin kita.”

Sehun loved Jeonghan so much, and he knew Jeonghan loved him back. It’s the type of love that just comes across once in a lifetime, and Sehun was lucky to have been given the chance to experience it. From that shy boy at Correon Malate, Jeonghan has transformed into a man with a passion directed to serving the marginalized who have no access to mental health services. He can’t wait to see what’s in store for him, and he’s blessed to be with Jeonghan on this journey.

“Oh, eh yung finals mo, okay na?” tanong ni Jeonghan.

“Uno na finals ng mga estudyante ko. Pamasko na,” sabi ni Sehun.

“Aba pucha, ang bait naman! Bakit hindi mo kami binigyan ng ganyan noon?” asar ni Jeonghan.

“Loko,” Sehun kissed his boyfriend’s cheek, hugging him tighter once again.

“Anong pagkain? Gutom na ako,” nagyaya na si Sehun kumain. To his dismay, nanlumo ang mukha ni Jeonghan, sabay naalarma dahil...

“Shit! Yung sinaing!”

_ Oh, how I could get used to this. _

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!  
> Yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/justljhthings) and on [curious cat!](https://curiouscat.me/woojiji) Comments are also appreciated. Thank you!


End file.
